Anyone who knows me knows me knows how much I absolutely LOVE holidays and special occasions. I have been known to make excuses to celebrate even the most mundane things.
"It's sunny out! Let's celebrate!" "My student loans are paid off! Let's celebrate!" "It's January the 6th! Let's celebrate!" "I only got yelled at twice at work today! Let's celebrate!" "My favorite show has a new episode! Let's celebrate! (in April. Damn you, Game of Thrones...)"
You get the picture.
Despite my strange love of all of the major and minor special occasions in life, I actually have never held the same kind of affinity for New Years. In fact, almost as soon as Christmas is over, my heart loses much of the cheer that my month and a half long celebration of the holiday season brings me. I don't adhere to any particular New Years traditions. I don't commit myself to absolutely needing to do anything on New Years Eve. I have had maybe two "as the clock strikes 12:00" kisses in my whole life. I used to watch the ball drop, but now I would much rather be sleeping. And then there are the resolutions. I have made dozens of New Years resolutions in my life and, I honestly cannot remember keeping even one of them. So, I stopped making them. Being painfully self-aware and honest, I know myself well enough that making a New Years resolution is just a lie that I would tell myself to make myself feel better for a few weeks just to be crushed under the weight of my own unreachable expectations.
That is, until this year.
2015 was pretty much the worst year of my life. Some good things have happened. I have grown up quite a bit this year which I suppose is a good thing depending on how you look at it. I am more independent than I have ever been. I care about what other people think of me a lot less. I make more money than I ever have. However, I have also been more alone than I have ever been. I spend about 90% of my free time completely alone (with the exception of the neediest kitty of all time). I am currently going through a heartbreaking divorce from the person I thought was the love of my life for the past 12+ years. My apartment was infested with bugs for a good 3 months. I have had health issues and on for months, culminating in a visit to the ER for chest pains, two EKGs in a matter of 7 days, a half dozen prescriptions, dental surgery, a referral for a cardiac stress test, and suggestions from a doctor that I be tested for autoimmune diseases and nervous system disorders, not to mention the medical bills that seem to be still sprouting out of my ears. By the end of 2015, I was centimeters away from hitting rock bottom. 2015 punched me in the throat with persistent rage then kicked me over and over while I was down. Good riddance to it.
Now 2016 has come, and contrary to my uncharacteristic New Years cynicism, this year has me inspired.
So what has changed? Well, I suppose my idea of my purpose has changed. Last year, the thought that possessed my mind day and night was what my purpose in life is. I won't go into what I thought my purpose was because that is a whole other can of worms, but I will say that it was very destructive to my emotional, mental and spiritual health, and being the self-aware person that I am, I was completely aware and okay with my purpose destroying me. I am still half-attached to that particular purpose, but I also have been thinking about a new purpose. I think I have heard a new calling...or at least the beginning of one.
This is what I know for sure: I do not like what my life has become. I do not like not having anyone to turn to. I do not like sitting alone in my apartment night after night. I do not like feeling like my whole existence is not, well...useful to anyone. I don't really contribute to anyone's life in any real way. I don't contribute much to society in general. I used to be ambitious. I used to be creative. I used to be charming. I used to be able to make friends. I used to help people. I used to be...so many other things. Now I am just the sad girl in the corner that no one wants to be around because she's just...sad. I get it. No one wants to be around the sad girl. This is not the life that I am meant for. My life can be so much more.
So my new purpose? Simple. Progress. In all things.
I have made goals (some might call them resolutions) to help me achieve my new purpose. The major thing that has sparked my interest is...drumroll please...The Peace Corps. The following are some of the reasons that I think this just might be an INCREDIBLE opportunity for me.
- I adore the world. I love learning about other cultures. I love trying new and daring things. I love diversity among people, climates, languages, art, architecture, food, landscapes, and life in general. I believe that it is a privilege to learn about and from people of all cultures and all backgrounds. As much as I love Ohio, I am the type of person who does not want to be confined to a small corner of the world for the rest of my life. Having grown up in "the sticks", I was anxious to set off on my own to college in a city. That was my first real exposure to a variety of cultures. Not only was I able to experience city living for the first time ever, I was able to meet people from all over the country. Then, after marrying a military man, I moved across the country then across the world. I lived in Germany for almost 3 years then in Hawaii for 3 1/2 years. I saw and did SO FLIPPIN' MUCH. I love love LOVED experiencing the world like that. I was talking to a coworker one day and I mentioned that I would love to travel to China. She replied in disbelief, "why would you want to go there???" I responded with, "why wouldn't I???" That's how I feel about the world. I am not done with it and it is not done with me.
- Along with learning about other places in the world, I would love to be able to teach people of other cultures about my own culture, the American culture. I may not be the most overtly patriotic person in the world, but the United States is pretty awesome, and I think that teaching other countries about my own home can be beneficial to them and to us. I could take part in building the bridge over the cultural divide that runs throughout the world.
- Speaking of America, I think that it is a very nobel pursuit to serve one's country. Most people think that service to your country means joining the military. Joining the military, however, is not for everyone, chief among them, me. I know myself well enough to know that I do not have the physical, psychological, or philosophical capability to join the military. Don't get me wrong. I love our military. Having been a part of that world for 10 years, I developed an immeasurable respect for those who serve, but I have seen it from a special vantage point and it just isn't for me. I would like to serve, though, and the Peace Corps would be the perfect way to be an ambassador for my lovely hometown, the university that gave me my first taste of the world, the GREAT state of Ohio, The United States of America, and...myself.
- I want to help people. I want the world to be a kinder place. I want to be useful and to make a difference in even just one person's life. I used to do more for people. I remember when I was a kid, I remember volunteering to help out in the differently abled kids class and I remember volunteering to read to the younger kids. In college, I did service work at a women's shelter and helped paint a school. I don't do things like that anymore, and I want to get back to that. I feel like the Peace Corps can give the the chance to help people. I want my life to mean something.
- I think that making my life mean something would be incredibly good for me as well. I think I need something to be proud of right now. I want to do something to warrant being proud of myself. A sense of accomplishment would go a long way in helping me find peace within myself. I think that my life as I know it right now needs a good swift kick in the ass. I think I am too attached to all of my stupid crap that shouldn't matter. I think scaling down for 2+ years is a good thing. I was a much happier and healthier person when I didn't "need" the latest phone, computer, tv, overpriced clothes, shoes, purses, or even food. The best times of my life were spent in a pair of $3 flip flops, my favorite jeans, tank top, and hoodie eating $1 hot ham and cheese sandwiches driving around listening to the only CD that worked in my car, and all I needed was good company and a full tank of gas. Life, since then, has become too complicated. I think getting away from all of the crap would be immensely beneficial to me.
- If I am going to do this, I should do it NOW. Well, not exactly now...I am actually shooting to apply in 2017. "Now" is a relative term. Now is because at this point in my life, I don't really have a whole lot going for me. I am unattached with no prospects. I basically have no social life. I'll never have children. I have a good job, but I don't want to stay in that position forever. It's literally been months since I have even seen most of my friends, and my family keeps moving further away. I love my hometown, but I get so restless staying in one place too long. I've been back for roughly a year and a half and it's just time for me to go again. The timing for this is just about perfect.
- The Peace Corps can help me get my Masters degree, which is something that I have always wanted.
- After serving 27 months, The Peace Corps will give me enough money to transition back to everyday life. They can also help me find a job after my service in addition to being a huge resume booster in of itself. This could be very good for my professional life.
- I am still young. After 2015, I felt more like I was about 80 years than 31. I just felt like my best years were behind me and I had already experienced and accomplished all I could in life. I convinced myself that it is too late for a man to fall in love with me again. I felt like my career could never and would never take off. I resigned myself to just being miserable for the rest of my life. Honestly, I still feel that way sometimes. But, I am still young. I have so much more time. I can do and see and accomplish so much more. I can be better.
After thinking about all of that jazz, there are other things to take into consideration in order to achieve my new purpose. This year I am going to begin volunteering in my community to gain volunteer experience for my application, to realize what my niche might be for if/when I do apply, and most importantly, to serve my community and create something good in this world. Another thing I need to consider is my health. I cannot keep treating my body like I do, or, quite frankly, I will die. The same goes for my emotional health. I need to take care of myself now. I mean, NEED. As soon as I can take care of myself, I will be better able to help others. So, I am starting to work out again tomorrow and I am going on a diet. I will be meditating everyday to help with my anxiety. I will be drinking a lot less (I have already cut back significantly). I am going to read every single day, pray every single day and either write or draw every single day. I am going to keep my house clean and organized. I am going to try to be a happier person with a better attitude. I am going to grow in my job. I am going to be kind to myself.
Progress. My new purpose.
I don't know if I will accomplish these things. This is why I don't make resolutions. I don't want to let myself down...again. I think it is a good thing to set goals, especially for someone like me who literally wondered hundreds of times if I even had a purpose. I hope I have what it takes to pull myself out of the 87 car pile-up that has become my life. I have a tough challenge ahead of me, but for the first time in a long time, I think that it is a challenge I am up for.
